Thursday, March 12, 2015

Life Can Really Dull Your Sparkle

"Don't ever let anyone dull your sparkle." #quoteoftheday
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I had every intention of writing a post last night for Thursty Thursday and then it was 45* and the boyfriend brought home some Coronas and the next thing you know, it's 9:30 and I'm ready for bed. (hashtag old lady status)  So instead, I am coming here to just write.

Ever since I officially found out that my department is indeed being relocated, I have been in this rut that I can't seem to snap myself out of.  I have tried things I normally would do to put myself in a good mood, listening to favorite songs, activities outside, etc.  While I enjoy said things, there is still this lingering feeling that I can't quite shake.  I don't want to say I am depressed because I feel like that detracts from the people who do suffer from depression on a regular basis but dammit, I am depressed!  This is not a word that I like to use to describe my state of mind and it's not one that I have had to use in a long time. 

In middle school and high school, I did suffer with depression and I was on anti-depressants for a short period of time before I decided that I was not going to use medication to treat it. And in a sense, I don't know if I ever really truly had depression and it just wasn't normal teenage angst.  I've never again felt the way that I did during that period of my life.  But this feeling that I have now is just an overwhelming feeling of sadness, anger and anxiety.  It really has dulled my sparkle.  My coping mechanism is just to ignore it but this "what am I going to do" thought is always there in the back of my mind.  I lay awake at night and obsess over the uncertainty of my future.  As much as the people in my life do listen and support me, I feel alone.

The job prospects where I live are slim and just last week, one of the larger factories in our surrounding area gave notice that it will be closing.  That's over 100 people looking for jobs in addition to me and anyone else in my company who has chosen not to relocate.  It's scary.  I've never been in the position where I have had to find a job.

And yes, I could move elsewhere and find a job where the pool is bigger but there is a reason I live where I do, the mountains are my home.  If it was just me in the equation, I might have made the decision to follow the company but I am not the only one I have to consider.  My first priority in life is my relationship and protecting it.  I'm not going to sacrifice my relationship to follow a company that quite frankly doesn't care about me and views me as replaceable. 

The sad part is, is that in my head, this was going to be some place I was going to be for a while.  I've been with the company for 7 years and I joined it in the first place because I knew I could advance. The position I'm in currently was just a stepping stone to get me somewhere else in the future. I love the job I have now and that's what makes me so angry. It is being taken away from me. The thought of training someone else to do my job makes me angry.  And now I'm afraid I am going to have to take a dead end job so I can pay my bills and just barely get by. 

Then there is the optimist in me that knows this is just a hard season in my life.  If I am happy at my current job, who's to say I couldn't be even happier somewhere else.  If we choose not to relocate, we have until the end of the year.  So I am trying to really take this time to figure out what it is that I truly want.  And I don't know that answer yet.  Because truthfully, the things I want in life have nothing to do with a career and more to do with experiences and living as much as possible.  I work to live, I don't live to work.

So here I am, trying to have the faith that everything will work out and the courage to take a leap into the unknown.


  1. I was laid off from my first company because the magazine I work for was sold and I didn't want to relocate. I didn't want to start over, but I did and it was great. It was upsetting and daunting at the time, but I stretched and ended up somewhere better suited for me.

    I'm sorry you're angry. I hope you can bypass that part of the process soon and get to a place where you'll better serve yourself!

  2. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and comment. And you're right, anger doesn't get you anywhere. Every day it becomes easier because I see that the decision I am making is the right one. I just have to trust the unknown.